Monday, December 9, 2013

How to survive the Holidays- Conflict, Grief, Recovery, Stress

Happy Holidays


As the Holidays roll around we think of joyous times, mistletoe, good food, and fun with family and friends. However, the holidays are also a time in which one may deal with conflict, grief, recovery, and stress.  How do we get through the holidays without going mad?  Here are some tips to keep in mind:

Conflict
Holiday parties are sure to be full of fun and family.  However, these tines can also come with drama. Unresolved issues have their way of rearing their ugly heads during these times.  It is important to keep things in perspective.

1.  If there is unresolved conflict with a friend or family member please note that the holiday party, whether at a home or a venue, is not the place to air out your grievances.
2.  You can be cordial and save your issues for a more appropriate time.  If you have not tried or had the opportunity to address the conflict prior to the event it is best left to be discussed at a more reasonable time. There is nothing worse than a gathering that ends in a shouting match.
3.  Likewise, these matters need not be circulated throughout the party i.e. ""you know what happened...."  Holiday gatherings are not the time, nor the place for gossip.

Grief
The holidays bring about times of grief for many.  Longing for a loved one that was lossed through death or separation is common place.  It is important to understand that sadness is a normal human emotion and that grief is the process through which we demonstrate such sadness and process a loss.

1.  If the loss is attributed to death- share pictures and stories of the loved one with friends and family.  Positive memories aid in the healing process.
2.  If the loss is due to separation such as a divorce understand that your children may be experiencing sadness as well.  Be open to allowing the children the opportunity to speak with the other parent and share some of the holiday time if safety is not an issue.  Remember that the separation is between the adults and not the children.
3.  If you are grieving the loss of a relationship, surround yourself with friends and family.  Don't isolate.  Make sure you do not "beat yourself up" about the breakup.  Now is not the time to place blame or look for faults, rather a time to self-evaluate and realign yourself with things that you want and that are important to your future.
4. Self-care is key!  Be good to yourself during these times.

Recovery
Many believe that relapse is undeniable for most during the holidays.  On the contrary, the holidays can be a time for renewal and many suffering from addiction find themselves making a step towards recovery through detoxification or entering treatment programs.
1. If you are currently using and want to stop it is important to enlist a support team, locate treatment options, seek medical attention, have a written plan.
2.  If you are in recovery it is important to know and understand your triggers (who, what, when, and why you drink or drug) and have a relapse prevention plan (who you will call or solicit for support, what you will do, when you will do it, where you will go, and why you want/need to stay clean if a trigger presents itself).
3.  If you are supporting a person in recovery it is important to know that the journey of recovery is theirs, a sense of normalcy may be difficult to find when the past has been littered with dysfunction, do not enable, ask the recovering person if they are comfortable with alcohol at the party prior to- but do not make them feel uncomfortable about their abstinence by highlighting it or their past during the party, ask the person if they would like to invite a recovering or otherwise supportive non-drinking friend, mocktails may not be appropriate depending on the stage of recovery the person is in.

Stress
During this time, stress is second nature.  Stress can be positive in that it allows us to meet deadlines or otherwise counteract a challenge.  Those of you that participated in Black Friday shopping experienced stress and I hope you got the reward you set out for!  The added holiday stress of any of the above topics or shopping, holiday meal preparations and arrangements can however be a bit much considering we deal with a certain amount of stress on a daily basis.  It is important to note the following;
1.  There is only one you- take care of yourself first so that you can take care of others.  Don't involve yourself in situations that will result in undue stress.
2.  There are only 24 hours in the day and 6-8 of them require you to sleep- understand your limits and boundaries.  Create a task list, optimize your time through time management, start early/ don't procrastinate, it's okay to say no.
3.  Solicit help- the holidays are a time of family and friends (a sentiment that has resounded throughout this post) elicit help, don't do it all alone and don't be afraid to pass the baton on some things- you make great macaroni & cheese and apple pies and wrap gifts to perfection, but sometimes you just can''t do it all! In the end, it is quality time that matters.

So as we string our lights, pull out the festive decorum, and hang the mistletoe- remember these things. Someone, if not you is dealing with some of these issues.  Be supportive and ask for support, care for yourself so that you can care for others.  I love this time of year, but often long for loved ones that have passed.  I cherish the memories they have left behind as I build new lasting memories with friends and family. I know that tomorrow is not promised so it is important to build on relationships, worry-less, and give more. 'Tis the season! and guess what....it will be around again next year so make each one count!
Winter fun for families in