I miss you so much. There is not a moment that goes by when I do not miss you and grandma. You were the women that raised me. My daughter is now 9 years old and it hurts me to know that she will never experience you for herself. You were such a spirit, right here on earth so I can just imagine how you two would have gotten along. I know that many of the pieces that make up who I am (good and bad..lol) come from you. You left me on August 4, 2008, 6 weeks before my wedding, 4 months before I would learn that I was to become a mother, 11 months and 8 days before your first grandchild would be born, 4 years before I would need you to hold my hand and hug me as we laid your mother to rest. Why did you have to leave me????? I needed you and still do!
In the last 2 years, I have become strong enough to speak about losing you without crying, but that does not mean that the tears don't come. There are so many moments in which I just want you here. I wished I could have seen you just one more time, but realistically, that would never be enough! I sit and think about women and young girls who have lost their mother and my heart aches for them as much as it aches for me, sometimes more, especially if they were young. I think of all the things in life that they too will have to experience without their mother by their side. Then I think of the joy I have in my heart as a mother. The blessing that God bestowed upon me to be able to be a mother to an absolutely amazing little girl. But then my anxiety sets in... I pray to God on a regular basis to cover my daughter in protection and to allow me to live to be a healthy 100 year old so that the pain of my transition would be lessened, when that time comes. When I see or hear stories from other adult daughters and their mothers, my heart aches with both sadness and happiness because I know that my future does not contain this. There will never be a day on earth that I can go to my mama's house, call her on the phone, go on a trip with her, surprise her, get on her nerves or for her to get on my nerves....man, it's just the simple things that I miss and long for! This is a hurting cycle, but I know that it hurts so much because we love so much. We had an amazing bond, and I love you to Heaven and back!!!
Oh mom, the mementos that I have such as the shoulder scarf/wrap the Nuns knitted for you when you were in the hospital, your army skirt, your day-to-day jewelry: to be able to touch and hold those things, comfort me in those those times. To be able to touch the things you touched and look at your handwriting brings me so much comfort in those moments, but they are not you! I wish that when I talk to you in our moments that I could hear your voice: cursing, laughing, soothing...I don't care...I just want to hear you! I wish I could see you, your beautiful face and smile, smell your perfume, and just sing, dance, and laugh!! Shoot, many days I would settle for the bad times too...just to have more time!! This is a club that I didn't imagine that I would become a part of years ago. I never thought of my life without you and even with family, friends, and success, it's hard. At the end of the day, a mother's love is one that is not easily duplicated and therefore is never replaced. I feel blessed that God allowed me to be your daughter and as others join this club that no one wants to join, I see the need to do more...to connect and support others like me. I am strong because of you mom and I didn't realize that your death made me just as strong as the impact of your life....I love you forever!!!!! From this pain/ experience DAUGHTERS OF HEAVENLY MOTHERS shall be launched, a support group for adult daughters of heavenly mothers....where our mothers' legacies shall live on and we as daughters are supported, encouraged, can grieve, celebrate, and are allowed to be whatever we may be and become whatever we will become together.
Love,
Reeta
Fun Fact: My Mom, daughter, and I are all Cancers with birthdays within 2 weeks. :) We still celebrate my mother's birthday with a cake as we all love(d) birthdays and birthday cake (anytime of year)!!
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